It’s the last Friday before Christmas, and I see on the news that people are filling the roads, airports, and shopping malls. I’m about to find out exactly how many people are filling the malls, because I’m preparing to head out to complete my Christmas shopping. Believe it or not, I’m actually ahead of schedule this year, as I usually wait until Christmas Eve to do my shopping. That practice began as an offshoot of my tendency to procrastinate, but evolved into something I looked forward to and enjoyed for many years. I found those trips helped put me in the holiday spirit.
I would come home from those Christmas Eve shopping trips and see news reports of how crazy everything was out in the stores, about the throngs of people crowding the checkout lines. I’d always ask myself “What stores did they visit?”, because I actually never saw the insanity they spoke of in all my years of Christmas Eve shopping. Everyone seemed to be civil and very focused on the task at hand. As a result, things were moving smoothly, and I was always in and out in no more time than a non-holiday trip to the mall. I also noticed that my fellow shoppers were mostly men. Hmm…
I have developed a theory as to why these trips went smoothly – from an evolutionary standpoint, men are basically hunters. As such, we go shopping with distinct goals, and we move to carry out those goals as quickly as possible. This isn’t meant to imply that women cannot be hunters (though there is evidence to support the “women are gatherers” theory). In fact, my wife is more of a hunter than a gatherer, and she usually shops in a similar fashion to me – when she’s alone. When we shop together, the gatherer in her comes out, and we take (what I believe to be) far too long to get what we came to get and go. So, according to my theory, (which, by the way, is in need of a name) my Christmas Eve shopping trips were made easier by the fact that the malls were filled with a majority of men, most of whom know exactly what they want, exactly where it can be found at the best price, and the perfect place to park to make the walk to where their “prey” lies waiting as short as possible. All of these actions, individually insignificant, combine to make a shopping trip fast and hassle free. Yes, there can be lines at the checkout. This is inevitable. But, as a result of extensive pre-planning, we come armed with only one credit or debit card to use, which we already know has enough room for whatever purchase we’re making. Moreover, because we’re usually only shopping for an item or two, we can use any express line that may be available at the store.
Now before I get slammed with a bunch of comments and e-mails berating me for implying that men are superior shoppers to women, let me state for the record that this is not the case! I believe that women are far better shoppers than men. It’s just that I am not talking about shopping here – I’m talking about hunting. Men don’t, as a rule, shop. We hunt. So I suppose I should call my Christmas Eve trips to the mall hunting trips, not shopping trips.
In our household, I do the grocery shopping, I mean hunting, because: a) I’m faster, b) I’m usually better at finding the cheapest price, and c) I have a more flexible daytime schedule which allows me to hunt when there are fewer people around. Now you may say “Timm, maybe that’s why you’re faster – there are fewer people around”, but it actually doesn’t matter what time I go to the store, I am still faster. And I can get my wife to back me up on this point. If anything, my daytime trips should take more time, as I’m sharing the aisles with senior citizens for whom shopping is a day long event which moves at a snail’s pace (no offense intended).
So now, as I hit prepare to hit the mall in search of that elusive Christmas prey, allow me to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. And, to all the men out there, happy hunting. You’d better get a move on!
